


Wikihow flirting tutorial (NOT CLICKBAIT)

by Camtankerous



Category: HLVRAI-Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: 5+1 Things, Awkward Flirting, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Benrey (Half-Life), Living Together, M/M, Mild Angst, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read, Post-Canon, background sodashipping, not tagging gordos until they separate the tags, still a game
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29647230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camtankerous/pseuds/Camtankerous
Summary: 5 times Benrey's flirting backfired (and one time it didn't)aka: funnie video game characters get to have nice things post canon
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 80
Kudos: 103





	1. And they were roommates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always i wrote this out in one sitting and refuse to read my own work so sorry in advance for errors ;^;  
> i'm gonna get back to the beauty and the beast au soon i just needed to get this out of my system sorry

All things considered, life was going pretty well. He’d already come back from dying, he was friends with the science team again, and Gordon laughed when Benrey was goofing off in the movie theater bathroom. Plus, he was letting Benrey follow him home, even if it was only because he wanted to “be able to keep an eye on the little bastard”. 

They weren’t entirely sure that assessment was fair. Gordon might be nearly a foot taller than them (probably due to the added height from the suit anyway), but that’s a him problem. 5’3” is a perfectly average height, thanks. 

The bastard part was probably on point though.

He started tapping his fingers on his legs, counting out a nonexistent rhythm in his head. He liked the way the light pressure felt. It was soothing, and it helped him ignore the fact that he was pressed into Gordon’s side in the cramped backseat of the Uber car. To be fair, it probably wouldn’t be as cramped if they weren’t also sharing it with Harold and Bubby and if Gordon wasn’t still wearing the bulky HEV suit. 

Benrey leaned forward to glance at Bubby on the other side of the car. The scientist looked miffed, but they couldn’t tell if the anger was from being squished between a metal suit and a car door or the fact that Harold had managed to call shotgun before him. Maybe it was a mix of both. 

Harold, for his part, seemed completely ignorant to the glare he was receiving from the backseat as he cheerfully regaled the driver on the uses of seatbelts as both safety measures and weapons. 

Gordon groaned. His voice was muffled from the way he had it shoved into his gloves. “Dr. Coomer, please. I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but just. I need you to be quiet.”

“Gordon, for one PlayCoin you can buy my silence.”

Bubby was gritting his teeth now. “Harold, I love you, but I need you to stop talking so that he stops whining. I can’t take this.”

“I am not whining. I’m politely requesting. It’s different.” Benrey kept an eye on Gordon’s hands as he waved them around, preparing to duck. They’d been aware of the way he liked to talk with his hands, but it was a vastly different experience in close quarters. At least the one closest to him wasn’t a gun anymore.

“Oh great, and now he’s whining about getting called out for whining.” Bubby leaned forward and tried to catch a glimpse of the navigation app’s ETA over the driver’s shoulder. “We’re almost there, right?”

The driver didn’t miss a beat. “Just a couple minutes away from the neighborhood.” 

Gordon huffed. “Can’t you turn into a car? Why didn’t you just drive yourself home?”

“Don’t you have legs? Why didn’t you just walk yourself home?” Benrey wondered if that was an intentional Bee Movie reference or if it was just an example of life imitating art. 

They stared at each other for a moment before Gordon finally backed down, dropping his hands into his lap in defeat. “I mean. I guess that’s fair.” 

A beat of charged silence passed before the driver partially turned his head to look at Harold while also keeping an eye on the road. Good, Benrey thought. Road safety is important. “So, are you guys coming from one of those anime conventions? My daughter loves ‘em.” 

Gordon put his face back in his hands.

~

It wound up being another five minutes of trying not to have a breakdown in the back of a stranger’s car before Gordon was able to stumble onto his driveway. He felt a little bad about basically shoving Benrey out in front of himself, but it wasn’t anything worse than getting a bathroom stall shut in his face, so he ignored the feeling in favor of limping to the front door. 

“You can either sleep on the couch or in the guest bedroom. It’s pretty much only used when my ex has to stay the night because of a long drive or something, so you don’t have to worry about that.” 

Benrey let out a couple bubbles of leaf green sweet voice behind him. “Your ex stays with you?”

“Yea, sometimes. I mean, I know we’re divorced, but that’s only because she realized I, uh, wasn’t exactly her type. We’re still on good terms.”

Benrey gave a noncommittal noise in response. 

“No, really. We have joint custody of Joshua and everything. She and her wife raise him for the most part, but he comes to visit a lot, and sometimes she has to spend the night when she drops him off or picks him up. They’ve got a guest room at their house for the same reason.” Gordon sighed, his chest aching. “I don’t think that’ll be an issue, though. I’m not really in a place to be taking care of a kid right now.” He glanced down at the blood covered gloves of his suit and flexed his fingers nervously. 

Benrey stayed quiet this time. If they were contemplating what Gordon said or just flat out ignoring him, he couldn’t tell. He was too tired to really care which one it was, anyway. 

It wasn’t until Gordon got up to the door that he realized there might be a problem. He swore under his breath, his heart sinking as he reached to open it on the off chance he’d forgotten to lock it before work.

He couldn’t stop the high-pitched noise of despair that escaped him as he rested his forehead on the definitely still locked door. 

“Hey, pal. You good? Need some help?”

He let out a deep breath to try to relieve some of the tightness in his lungs. “My keys are in my locker at Black Mesa, and the door is locked. I, uh, I can’t get in. I’ll have to break a window or something.”

“You got a window breaking license?” 

Gordon squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to break his own teeth from clenching his jaw. “Benrey. Don’t. I can’t- I’m not in the mood.”

“I’ll take that as a no. Alright, move over friend.” 

He blinks in surprise. “Move over? Why?”

“I can’t let you break windows without the proper training. Step aside please?”

Bewildered, he stepped back, staring down at the top of the other’s head. He held his breath as he watched them step up to the door, pause, and then walk through the door. A moment passed, then a click signaled the deadbolt being turned, followed by the door swinging open. Benrey was standing in the open doorway in a half-hearted ‘ta-da’ pose. 

Gordon laughed borderline hysterically in relief. “Holy shit. I can’t believe I forgot you could walk through walls.” He gently squeezed Benrey’s shoulder in gratitude and stepped inside, shutting the door behind himself and relocking it. 

He held in a laugh as Benrey puffed his chest out a bit. “Yup. Got those sweet perks. Security guards aren’t stopped by locked doors. Makes ‘em kinda pointless, ya know?”

Gordon gave a breathless laugh. “Sure bud.” He kept his hand on their shoulder as he gently turned them around to face the entryway. “Sorry, I’m too tired for a whole tour, I’m just going to hit the highlights.” 

He nudged them forward a few steps. “Kitchen is on the right, living room is up ahead.” 

He nudged them forward a little more until they were fully in the living room. “There’s a bathroom over there, that’s the door to the back porch, and the stairs are over here. Mine and Joshie’s rooms are upstairs. The guest bedroom is past the kitchen.” 

He stepped around them to get to the linen closet and pulled some of the thicker, fluffier blankets from the top shelf where he normally kept them stored outside of winter. He pushed the next door over open with his foot and stepped in, setting the folded pile of blankets on the nicely made bed. 

Gordon glanced around nervously, but the room was in better shape than he had feared. The sheets were a little bit on the stale side (he couldn’t exactly explain what that meant, it was just a feeling he had. It was that step below dusty, when something hadn’t been used in a while, but was still technically clean), but the dresser and desk were still clear. He’d been using it as a minor storage space between visits, but the boxes were all neatly stacked over by the closet. 

He turned around to try to get a read on the way Benrey was feeling, but his face was carefully neutral. He gently tapped their elbow with his hand. “Alright. Um. Feel free to use this space however, I guess? Just don’t break anything or put holes in the walls. If you want to take a shower, there are some towels in that closet I just showed you, and the guest bathroom is across the hall.”

Benrey cleared his throat and took a halting step towards the bed. “Uh. Thanks. It’s, uh, nice. I love,” He glanced around quickly, “Beds.” 

Gordon snorted. “Well, then, I’ve got great news about the guest room.” He gently shook his head and stepped back out into the hall. “I think there’s some extra pairs of clothes in the dresser. We can go clothes shopping in the next couple days, but for now you’ll just have to borrow those.” He rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. “You’re about the same size as my ex, I think, so you should be fine for tonight at least.”

Benrey opened one of the drawers and peered inside. He still couldn’t quite decide what expression they were making. They hummed quietly, shooting a couple cream-colored orbs towards him. 

He batted at them half-heartedly, even though he knew it wouldn’t really do anything. “Thanks, for that.” He didn’t even try to hide the gentle smile on his face. “Goodnight.”

Benrey didn’t quite look at him, instead choosing to stare over his shoulder and out into the hallway. “G’night.” 

He hovered a moment longer (what he was waiting for, he couldn’t say) before heading for the stairs. He contemplated just falling asleep on the floor in the suit, but he knew the effort to get the suit off and to shower would be worth it, no matter how much he didn’t want to do it.

~

Benrey stared down at the blankets on the bed. He brushed a hand over the top one, relishing the way his fingers sank into the fuzzy softness. 

He glanced around the room again and swallowed hard. His chest felt… weird. Like there was sweet voice trapped inside, but nothing escaped when he steadily breathed out. He rubbed at his ribcage and flicked the overhead light off before slowly sitting down on the edge of the bed. 

The mattress was soft. He unlaced his boots and slowly leaned back. The pillow was soft too. He had no idea soft things could be so nice.

He used the light from the window to unbuckle the bulletproof vest and remove his helmet, setting them on the side of the bed he wasn’t occupying. He wasn’t sure why his breathing was coming out sounding like he’d swallowed bees, but the weird feeling in his chest just kept expanding. He unfolded the softer of the two blankets and wrapped it around himself before wiggling under the covers. The other blanket was hugged tightly to his chest as he curled up on his side. 

They clenched and unclenched their hands around fistfuls of blanket. Now that they had time to think, it was a little overwhelming. They had been hoping that Gordon killing them would at least put them on generally pleasant terms, but this was so much more. 

Gordon had laughed at their jokes in Black Mesa, and he’d always been kinda concerned for Benrey’s wellbeing, but letting them into his home was definitely a new level. He’d even given him the nice, soft blankets, and offered to let him borrow clothes. They’d heard of people lending clothes to significant others. Sure, they were his ex’s clothes, but he was still going to count it. A couple unbidden bubbles of pink sweet voice illuminated the room. 

Maybe… maybe Gordon wasn’t as unreceptive to Benrey’s friendship as previously assumed. Someone who legitimately hated him the way Gordon claimed to wouldn’t do all of this. Maybe they just needed a different approach. 

He hugged the blanket a little tighter and closed his eyes. Sleep now, google flirting methods tomorrow. 

This plan was flawless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway I'll get to the actual 5+1 things in the coming chapters, the intro part just got way too long for my liking
> 
> Sweet voice translations:  
> Green like lettuce means You’re making me jealous  
> Cream like canvas means I’m feeling anxious  
> Bubblegum pink means It’s hard to think
> 
> um. comment if you want me to continue i guess. if this doesn't get much attention i'll drop it and go back to focusing on BatB au instead


	2. Step 1: Make Eye Contact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey tries to woe Gordon but then a little bit of angst happens :( it's cool though because these bitches gay and I can't write angst without making jokes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i;m so fucking sorry  
> this was supposed to be a funny goofy thing but i had to address some canon plot angst first  
> i tried to keep it light but i probably missed the mark and made it awkard rip  
> anyway the following chapters are going to have way more fluff, this was kind of just more set up
> 
> also standard warnings, not beta read, i dont read my own writing, blah blah blah

Gordon didn’t think he’d ever been so sore in his life. As he slowly came back to consciousness, the first thing he noticed was the way every single muscle seemed to ache. His shoulders and biceps were especially bad, but that was probably due to the amount of effort he had put into prying the HEV suit open. Most of the night was blurry, but he did remember taking a shower after briefly going feral on the metal contraption. So that was something, at least. 

He ran his hands through his hair and savored the feeling of not having a bunch of oils and blood and random sewage bits clinging to it. It felt incredibly soft compared to the crusty mess it had been in Black Mesa. 

As he brought his arms down, he glanced over at his right hand, flexing it. He still wasn’t entirely sure what was going on there, because by all accounts, it was a prosthetic. He could see the joints, he could feel the plastic polymer with his flesh hand, and he could easily detach and reattach it. 

But it still _acted_ like his old hand. He could feel the flesh of his remaining arm, and the softness of his hair. He had the full range of motion that he’d had before (if anything, he had more range because his wrist didn’t click when he bent it a certain way anymore). Plus he was pretty sure sleeping with a prosthetic on was a terrible idea, but the stump didn’t feel any more inflamed or sore than it had when he fell asleep. 

Maybe he was thinking about it too much. After all, it was given to him by a mysterious, powerful figure that stopped time and debated him on the semantics of a children’s restaurant inside a train care flying through a void.

Oh god. His life was a mess.

He carefully stepped over the orange carnage strewn about his bedroom floor as he made his way downstairs. He needed to get some real food and coffee before he could worry about dealing with the cleanup. 

When he finally stumbled into the kitchen, he was surprised to see Benrey already up. He’d pulled a chair over to the coffee machine and was sitting there, staring intently as the coffee brewed. 

He was still wearing his pants and shirt from before, but the vest and boots were gone, replaced by a pair of black knee-high socks with rainbow music notes. The helmet was also missing and in its place was a blanket that Benrey had draped over his head and, for some reason, two pairs of sunglasses stacked on top of each other that Gordon did not remember owning. 

At least he looked comfortable.

~

Benrey had heard the sound of Gordon kicking something around upstairs and took that as his cue to turn the coffee maker on. He honestly couldn’t remember if Gordon ever mentioned drinking coffee or not, but considering how much coffee was in the pantry, it probably wasn’t too much of a stretch to assume he did. 

He settled back onto his Lookout Chair and slid his phone back into his pocket. He’d found an extensive article from WikiHow on tips for flirting with guys, and he was ready to commence phase one. 

First step: eye contact. 

The article had recommended lingering eye contact over extended eye contact, which they were thankful for, because eye contact was the worst. All they had to do was look at Gordon until he caught them, then make eye contact, smile, and look away. Super simple. Basic tutorial shit, even. 

By the time Gordon walked in, the coffee pot was about half full and the stream was slowing to a dribble. Benrey had considered looking for mugs, but he figured just making coffee at someone else’s house was pushing it. He’d played Sims enough to know that doing too many actions like that could get you kicked out. 

Hm. All of his old save files probably got destroyed in the explosion. He’d worked so hard to make his lookalike, too. 

They were so distracted by their mourning that they barely registered Gordon’s voice as he asked a question. They straightened up, feeling the blanket tug on their hair a little. “Huh?”

Gordon smiled softly, reaching around them to get to cabinet above the coffee pot. He pulled out two mugs: one was a soft powder blue that looked faded and well loved, and the other, a plain white one with leaves on it, was placed on the counter in front of Benrey. “I said, you look like you had fun dressing up. What’s up with the sunglasses?” 

“Sungl-? Oh.” They reached up and fiddled with the pair covering their forehead. They should probably take them off for the eye contact to work, but they found themselves hesitating. Even with the blanket, the lack of helmet left them feeling exposed. 

Gordon laughed softly. “Did you forget you had those on? How are you even able to see right now?” He pulled over a little bowl with a lid. 

“Uh, yeah - no. I never forget anything.” He blew out some soft orange sweet voice. “Besides, I got that, uh, dark vision.”

“Uh huh, sure.” He lifted the lid and used the tiny spoon inside the scoop some sugar into his mug. He then offered a spoonful to Benrey. “Do you want any?”

Their eyes, however, were drawn to the hand holding the spoon. “Wha – uh. What happened to your hand?” 

Gordon froze. “Excuse me?” 

Against his better judgement, he reached out and poked Gordon’s right arm. “Your model loaded in all fucked up, bro.” 

He yanked his arm back from them sharply, baring his teeth in a snarl. “Are you fucking kidding me? Is this a joke to you?”

“No? Do you not see that? Your arm is all wrong.” He really didn’t get why Gordon was being so weird about it. They were just trying to help. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, bro. Remember when my model loaded in super wrong and I was a bone boy?” 

“It’s not – stop CALLING it that. There are no _character models_ , Benrey. It’s a prosthetic to replace my missing arm. This isn’t a video game.” 

Ah. Okay. Toy Story time. Benrey carefully removed the sunglasses so he could look Gordon in the eye. “Bro. This is a video game. Don’t you remember?” 

He opened his mouth to snap a response, but nothing came out as he locked up.

They stood slowly, hands held up in a placating manner. Gordon still looked pissed, but he looked kind of confused, too, and he didn’t back up, so they took that as a good sign. They took a step closer and placed a hand on his (intact) arm. “Gordon.”

Saying his name seemed to break whatever frozen state he was in. He looked over sharply, staring down at Benrey. “It’s… it’s not a game,” He whispered.

“It is, though? You were the player character, man. You should be the most aware of it. Haven’t you noticed it? The whole not-being-forced-to-do-things-by-the-code thing?” Benrey wiggled the fingers on his free hand for emphasis. “Do you remember me ever moving my hands with this much range before?”

“I… well, no, but I could move my fingers. I just thought… I don’t know. I guess I just wasn’t paying attention.” 

“It was VR, bro. You had way more movement options than the rest of us.” He held his arms straight out in front of himself. “You had chimp mode.”

Gordon looked a little pale now, so they gently ushered him over to sit in the Lookout Chair. They were almost more alarmed by his willingness to go along than they had been by the previous anger. 

“I…” He put his face in his hands. “I think… I think I knew that? I think, maybe, I always knew. It was kinda hard to think about before, though.” Benrey draped the blanket over his back and patted him gently while the revelation set in. 

~

Gordon had honestly thought the magical prosthetic was going to be the weirdest thing to happen him within an hour of waking up. 

He really should have known better. 

A close third for weirdest thing was the way Benrey was being oddly gentle about his breakdown. While the awkward patting was maybe not the most conventional way to comfort someone, it was a lot better than the merciless teasing he’d sort of been expecting.

“Why are you -,” he mumbled, already regretting the words before they left his mouth, “Why are you being so nice about this?”

Benrey hummed. “Not really funny to antagonize you right now.” 

Gordon turned his head to glare up at them. “You made my life hell because it was _funny_?”

“I mean. Duh? We all did. Everything we did revolved around the player’s experience.” Benrey shuffled a bit when the glare intensified. “We, uh, didn’t know you were also sentient, at first. In fairness.” 

They hesitantly reached out and tapped the prosthetic with a blunt nail, making a quiet clicking sound. “Um. Sorry. About the - about this. I think, maybe, since you thought it was real? It kinda carried over into your character model, even though the game is over.” They looked away. “Also sorry for making you think it was real. Had to put on a show, ya know? Be the big bad.” 

When Gordon didn’t respond, they thought that was the end of it. They turned for the door, planning on giving him space, but a hand grabbing their wrist stopped them.

“Benrey. Listen, I…” He took a shaky breath. “Thank you. For apologizing. I can’t say I accept it, but I do appreciate it. I think I just need some time to come to terms with,” he waves a hand around vaguely, “all of this.”

They couldn’t think of anything to say, instead choosing to look him in the eye and give a quick nod. Gordon gave a little smile, held the eye contact for a moment –  
And then _slow blinked_. 

Benrey couldn’t help the choked noise that came out of his throat as a stream of bright pink sweet voice shot out of his mouth and hit Gordon in the face. As he reared back in surprise and reached up to bat the orbs away, they made their escape, barely managing to noclip to avoid slamming face first into a wall. 

~ 

Gordon sat in the kitchen, alone and baffled. He reviewed the last few minutes in his head as he tried to make sense of it. 

He was pretty sure Benrey had darted off because of the slow blink, but he couldn’t fathom why that had affected them so much. He’d only done it out of habit if he was being honest. 

When he made friends with the stray cats in his old neighborhood, he’d been careful to do lots of slow blinking when they looked like they might be getting nervous, and with his entire face exposed Benrey had just looked so sincere that Gordon reacted on instinct. 

It’s kinda funny how much visible eyebrows changed their appearance now that he thought about it. 

He looked numbly over at the coffee mug he’d set out for them which now housed the sunglasses. Carefully, he brushed it aside to get to the coffee pot. He really couldn’t deal with any more shit until he had some coffee. 

As he poured the hot coffee over the sugar in his mug, he mentally replayed the reaction he’d gotten. Benrey was an alien, wasn’t he? Or at least not human. Or, rather, an AI modeled after something that wasn’t human. Maybe slow blinking was a sign of trust for him, too. 

Gordon’s eyebrows furrowed. That reaction didn’t line up. It had been more like… 

He set the coffee pot down with a thunk. It had been more like Benrey was flustered. 

Wait. Did he just nonhuman flirt with Benrey? 

…

Oh god. Did he want to nonhuman flirt with Benrey again?

He held the mug in place with his left hand, staring down at it as he swirled it slowly with a spoon. Idly, he thought about how much he appreciated that the prosthetic hadn’t made it difficult to use silverware. 

Yea, they had made his life hell. But so had the rest of the science team. Even if Tommy was the most helpful one, he’d still had his moments. Gordon had forgiven them easily enough. Plus, Benrey apologized to his face, which was a hell of a lot more than he’d ever expected. 

He added a dash of milk for sweetness – creamer was disgusting and that was a hill he was ready to die on – and scooped the mug up to head into the living room.  
Wait. Shouldn’t the milk have gone bad by now? He tried a sniff test, and then checked the date on the carton, but everything seemed to check out. He wondered if the rest of the world had been paused while they were in Black Mesa. 

Oh, now he had a headache. What the fuck kind of morning was this?

Whatever. The point was, maybe they weren’t the worst. Maybe he’d done some messed up things to Benrey, too, that he needed to apologize for when he was in the right head space. 

He sipped the coffee as he settled on the couch. They had been right about feeling the lack of influence post-game. It made him wonder how much control Benrey really had over his actions. How much control any of them had.

Maybe nonhuman flirting was fine. Just to test the waters. He didn’t have to make a commitment just yet. 

~

Benrey felt like he was going to combust and also implode and also maybe stop existing. 

He was curled up under the bed, gripping the second softest blanket since he’d sacrificed the other one.

How had the tables been turned on them so quickly? The whole arm thing and then the revelation made him completely forget the plan, and then Gordon had the nerve to go and make eye contact with him and slow blink first. 

Benrey shoved their face as hard as they could into the bunched-up folds of the blanket. Did Gordon even know the significance of what he did? Should they be reading this much into it? 

They took some deep breaths to calm themself. No. Gordon couldn’t have known. He probably just did that because he was tired or had sand in his eye. 

They opened their eyes slowly. Phase 1: eye contact might have been a bust, but they couldn’t ignore the other great progress they had made. They’d finally gotten a chance to apologize, and Gordon had listened. They wondered if the success there was rooted more in the lack of code constantly pushing Gordon to keep rushing through everything or the lack of code pushing Benrey to rile him up. 

Not that it wasn’t still fun to rile him up. It was just… different. Laughing riled up Gordon was a lot more appealing than angry riled up Gordon. 

This was fine. They still had a lot of other options to go through to get Gordon to realize they were flirting. 

He pulled out his phone. Time to get ready for phase two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to a) me being a dumbass with ADD that can't focus on anything and b) Benrey plushie having eyebrows that make him look ten times cuter
> 
> Disclaimer: i don't use a prosthetic! I don't know anyone that uses a prosthetic! the magic high-tech arm gordon has is because i don't have time to do proper research between school assignments and im terrified of spreading misinformation! I'm really sorry, I know that's a cop-out, but i'd rather be chicken than risk actively hurting people
> 
> Sweet Voice Translations:  
> Apricot means I forgot  
> Bubblegum Pink means oh my god did you just slow blink?
> 
> if u leave a comment, even if it just says "these bitches gay", i will kiss u so sweetly


	3. Step 2: Put Yourself In His Path

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey tries the next step. Tommy just wants to have a nice date with his new boyfriend. Gordon cries a little 
> 
> There is some pretty blatant sodashipping in this chapter, sorry if that's not your thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh holy shit so i finally got to write a chapter that's just them being idiots but like I'm kinda worried it got into crack territory?  
> the next one will definitely be more serious (NOT angst, just... less like a crack fic) but I could not figure out a way to work this part that didn't end with them being goofballs for +2k words

Tommy wasn’t sure why he put up with as much as he did.

Well. That wasn’t quite true. He put up with a lot of this because Benrey was his friend, and he felt kind of like he owed the guy a little after the awful “grew up as an experiment in a lab without ethics” backstory the game gave him. 

But that didn’t mean he had to like it.

He finally tuned back in near what he hoped was the end of Benrey’s spiel. 

“-and I’ll bring her right back, prommy, I just need to get this step right, and she looks just like the dog in the picture.” Their hands were clasped as they gave him their best puppy dog eyes. 

Tommy narrowed his own in response. “Just – just because I like dogs doesn’t mean that works on me, and you know it.” He put his hands on his hips as they deflated a bit. “Honestly, this is ridiculous! Why don’t you just – Just talk to him! He’s a total nerd.”

“Wuh – you don’t get it.” He pulled his phone out and showed Tommy the screen. “See? She looks like Sunkist. It’s the ultimate way to get a guy. WikiHow says so.”

He leaned in, squinting at the tiny words. “Okay. I admit, it does look like Sunkist. But that’s not what it says.” He squinted further. “Wait… this is step four. You – Did you actually do the other three steps already?”

Benrey stared back nervously. “Yes. No. Only the first one?” 

He grabbed their shoulders and shook them gently but firmly. “Benrey I’m – you’re my best friend. But I cannot believe you’re following a WikiHow article. For so many reasons.”

“Why?” They put their phone away, crossing their arms defensively. “You think it’s too advanced? Think I can’t handle it?”

“You know what.” Tommy put his hands together and held them in front of his face, breathing in deeply. “Fine. You can borrow her. But when this doesn’t work, you have to promise to talk to him.” 

“Um. Can it wait a little. I’ve got a couple more steps before I’m s’posed to talk to him.”

Tommy stared him down. They hadn’t even tried to argue that it would work. “You know what? Go nuts.”

Benrey visibly brightened, spraying bright yellow sweet voice everywhere. 

“Gold from a treasure chest means you’re the best?” They nodded enthusiastically. “Thank you. Just – just get this over with. I want her back in time for dinner, okay?”

A couple more orbs of yellow were his only response as Benrey practically sprinted out of the living room, Sunkist in tow. 

Tommy watched for a moment before turning back to Darnold, who was still curled up on the sofa and hiding his face in his hands. “I’m so sorry about that. They just – They’re a little overzealous sometimes.” 

Darnold mumbled something into his hands. Tommy sat down next to him and gently rubbed circles on his back. 

“Can we – it’s okay, he’s gone. Can we go back to kissing?” 

Darnold made an odd noise and curled further into himself. 

“Aw, you don’t have to be embarrassed! He’s literally trying to flirt with a guy that’s already into him by following a WikiHow article. If anything, I’m hoping him walking in on us making out will improve his game.” Tommy frowned gravely. “He needs all the help he can get.”

Another mumble, but at least this time Darnold removed one hand and put it on Tommy’s knee. 

He gently patted the offered hand with his free one. “I can put The Bee Movie back on if you want?” A nod in response. Good. He might still be able to salvage date night.

~

Benrey was very confident in this step. He’d skipped two and three because this one said to ‘be around the object of your affection as often as possible’ which, score, he was already doing, because they were living together. 

And because there was a picture of a dog and he got distracted. But mostly the first reason.

Second Step: Put Yourself In His Path was underway. 

Benrey did his best to not seem too obvious as he walked across the living, passed Gordon, and out the back door. Nailed it. 

…Except now he was just standing outside with Sunkist. He turned and looked back through the glass door over his shoulder, praying that it would be safe to come back inside. 

Whatever part of him that had been holding out hope for subtlety was immediately destroyed when he realized Gordon was staring straight at him with a bewildered expression. 

~ 

Gordon wasn’t sure what the plan was this time. It was becoming more obvious that this was definitely some form of intricate ritual, but one that was entirely beyond his comprehension. 

After a moment of flitting their gaze between Gordon and Sunkist, Benrey slowly made their way back inside, looking an awful lot like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar. 

He didn’t even bother to hide his staring as they slunk back inside. Sunkist had no such reservations, however, and happily pushed passed them to greet Gordon. 

~

Benrey never thought he would be so relieved to have Gordon’s attention taken from him. He knew getting Sunkist in on the plan was a good idea. 

They strolled over to the loveseat and did their best to sit casually, folding their legs under them like a pretzel. They cleared their throat and prepared to enact the second part of the plan.

“Do you. Is this place a place you go to? On the – in often times?”

“What did you just say?” Gordon’s neck practically broke from how fast he whipped his head around to look at Benrey, a bark of laughter escaping him. 

Well, that line clearly hadn’t worked, but at least Gordon was laughing. Time to try the next one.

“I said, uh.” He looked down at his palm, scanning the cheat sheet he’d made. “There’s something on your face.” 

“Uh huh. And I think there might be something on your hand.” Well shit. The website hadn’t told him there was supposed to be a follow up. Beginning to sweat a little, he tried another one. “You don’t breathe. Wha- hold on.” He squinted a little harder, searching for more clues in the sharpie words, but all he had written for that one was ‘not breathing’. 

Gordon was clearly struggling to hold in laughter at this point, leaning heavily on the arm that had been petting Sunkist. She pressed her face insistently into his chest, staring up at him.

“B-“ Benrey willed the words into focus. “Boyfriend?” He flushed when his voice cracked.

They looked sheepishly over at Gordon, who was now doubled over and wheezing silently. His face was so red and scrunched up that the tears streaming down his face made him look like a freshly washed tomato. 

“B-“ He kept trying to speak, but all that came out was single syllables followed by gasping breath and full belly laughter. Benrey would almost be offended if he hadn’t been fully aware that he’d gotten every single line wrong. Besides, they thought, their lips quirking up in a smile of their own, it was worth it to see him so happy. 

Gordon finally managed to squeak a word out. “Boyfriend?” 

Benrey perked up. “Yea? What’s up?” 

Gordon barked out another weak laugh before finally calming down a bit, idly running his hand along Sunkist’s side. “That – HAH – holy shit, my chest hurts so fucking much – those were the worst pick-up lines I’ve ever heard. Where did you learn that?”

“eBay.” 

Gordon just stared at him, hiccupping little laughs as he wiped away the drying tears with his free hand. “eBay?” 

“Um. The eBay for people.” 

“eBay for p… do you mean craigslist?” Benrey shrugged. Their mind was too preoccupied replaying the sound of his laughter to think of a funny response. 

Sunkist finally decided enough was enough and shoved her cold, wet nose into Gordon’s face, licking at the tear tracks. 

Gordon put a hand on either side of Sunkist’s head and rubbed her ears, pulling back with a half-hearted grimace. “Sorry girl. Here, you want a kiss?” He gently kissed her forehead as the tail wagging picked up pace. “Awww, who’s the best girl? Is it you? Are the best dog ever?” Her whole butt started to wiggle with her tail.

“Look at this big head! It’s empty! You’ve got a big empty head with nothing but love in it!” The tail was becoming dangerously fast now. 

He suddenly sat up straighter and looked at Benrey with a mischievous glint in his eye. “Do you want to see something weird?”

“Wuh- stupid question. Yea I wanna see,” They leaned forward, watching intently.

Gordon took his left hand and held it in front of Sunkist’s mouth, parallel to the ground. He started pushing it into her lips until she gently opened her mouth, and then the grossest, loudest slapping noise Benrey had ever heard rang out as Gordon wiggled his hand up and down. 

Sunkist, at least, seemed to be having a great time as her jowls flopped around wildly. Gordon cackled in delight and took his hand back to scratch lovingly between her ears. “Golden retrievers are the best ones to do that to since they have egg mouths and big lips.”

Benrey was thoroughly disturbed, but in a fun way. “Egg mouths?” 

“Mm-hmm.” He scratched under her chin. “They were bred to have soft holds so they wouldn’t damage game ducks when they went to collect them. Supposedly, they can hold a raw egg without breaking it, but I’ve never actually tried that.” 

Benrey grinned. “I wanna try something.”

~

Tommy really wasn’t sure why he put up with as much as he did.

At least Benrey and Gordon had the decency to look incredibly guilty. 

“So. You gave her an egg?” 

Gordon held his hands up. “It – We did, technically, give her an egg? But – so what we were trying to do was – “

Benrey cut him off. “So goldens can like hold shit in their mouths without hurting ‘em, right? And we wanted to see how that worked, so we gave her an egg. And it worked. But that was lame, so we – “

“We started with a boiled egg to make sure it didn’t crack, because raw egg is terrible for dogs. And it didn’t crack! But it turns out that was the only egg I had left in the house – “ 

“That’s not one hundred percent true, there were more when we started, I just got bored – “ 

“Sure, but the point is we didn’t have any more eggs, so we tried to go out and find some ducks by the pond – “

“It’s not animal abuse ‘cause they’re like, two polygons, they barely have any coding at all – “

“But the code they do have makes them fast as hell! So we wanted to – “

Tommy finally snapped. “Stop! That doesn’t explain why she’s covered in paint!” 

Gordon and Benrey glanced nervously at each other, not wanting to admit the truth. Finally, they broke at the same time. 

“Racehorse,” Gordon offered. 

“Makeover,” Benrey supplied.

Tommy looked between them, not blinking. They both wilted under his gaze. 

“It’s pet safe?” Gordon piped up. “It’ll wash off in the bath. We were going to wash her for you, but we didn’t realize how much she hated baths.” 

From their disheveled appearances and various scrapes and bruises, she had done well to make her opinion quite clear. 

“I don’t – I cannot believe you went along with this, Mr. Freeman. This is something I would do. I expected better from you.” 

Benrey gently patted Gordon’s arm. “At least he still expects better from you, bro.” 

Tommy turned his burning gaze on Benrey, who shrank like a peace lily in direct sunlight. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten our last conversation. If you don’t follow through, I’m gonna tell him.”

“Wha- bro that’s so mean-“

“YOU GAVE MY DOG GUY FIERI FLAMES.”

Benrey’s mouth snapped shut. 

He squeezed the bridge of his nose. “Please, just… get out of my house?” 

Gordon and Benrey nodded, torn between looking appropriately chagrined and trying to run out of there as fast as possible. 

Tommy slouched heavily onto the couch, leaning onto Darnold, who had been quietly watching the whole thing. 

“You know, I’m sorry they did that to Sunkist, but I’m feeling much less embarrassed about earlier.”

Tommy perked up a little. “Yeah?”

Darnold leaned over and kissed him on the check. “Yeah.” 

Tommy smirked. At least Sunkist’s new paint job wasn’t completely in vain. 

~

Benrey reviewed his notes as they walked home in shame. He’d hit all the main points; he was sure of it. But he didn’t feel any closer to getting Gordon to see him as potential dating material. 

As he put his phone away, an arm wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him into Gordon’s side. “Okay, angry Tommy is kinda scary, but I think that was the most fun I’ve ever had. And honestly? I think the reason Sunkist fought the bath so hard is because she liked the flames.”

It was a little awkward to walk pressed against each other, but Benrey couldn’t bring himself to pull away even a little. All he managed to do was snort in laughter as he ducked his head to hide a smile.

Maybe step three would be better. For now, at least he had this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sodashipping is cute don’t at me
> 
> also, all dog info presented here is accurate! I work with dogs and I double checked my info just to be sure  
> Do not give your dogs raw eggs. Please. I'm begging you.
> 
> Benrey’s failed pick-up lines:  
> \- Do you come here often?  
> \- You have a bit of cute on your face.  
> \- Wait a second. I need to breathe. Being with you takes my breath away.  
> \- You seem familiar. You look a lot like my future boyfriend/husband.
> 
> please leave a comment, even if it just says "guy fieri sunkist real" because comments absolutely sustain me


End file.
